Walking in the Windy City....

I really am happy. Although my pain is not completely gone, it is now tolerable and that is an awesome step in the right direction. I was very pleasantly surprised to have been able to walk as much as i did when I went to Chicago. My husband and I flew to the windy city to meet up with our son for "parent's weekend". We had gotten bus passes and what I thought was a hotel close to my son's apartment..... Our hotel was 5 blocks away!! I panicked slightly. I thought it was going to be too taxing on my body. I could not believe the amount of walking we did. But what was even more amazing was that I was capable of doing it. I think we must have walked at least 5 miles each day for 3 days! Now that may not seem like a big deal to you, but just months ago I needed a wheelchair to get through our small airport. I was in such bad shape that I couldnt even walk around the block without agonizing pain. Although I still had to take a little pain medicine, I was able to do it. In fact, my husband complained more about aches and pains the next day than I did! I am now down to Physical therapy every other week. I am riding my stationary bike daily without any discomfort. I have definitely made some pretty amazing strides and I pray I continue to do so. The surgery was a Godsend and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

The Negatives always seem to stand taller than the positives.

So this is my first post in over a month.  Things have been going quite well for me overall. I decided to write because I've been feeling like crap for 5 days now.  It's important to document the bad days so that others going through this aren't taken by surprise.  The Negatives always seem to stand taller than the positives, don't they?  Anyway, my body has been experiencing shooting nerve pain everywhere. This morning I awoke with an all too familiar feeling. My body hurt so bad that it even hurt to take a deep breath.  I have not felt that way in quite some time.  I am hoping that this is just a temporary setback and that it is simply a result of the crazy weather we have been having.  I have always been a barometer and I doubt that will ever change.  The other contributor might be that I have spent an enormous amount of time in my car.  I forgot to put my "Tush Cush" pillow on the seat and maybe the positioning threw me off.  I hate driving!  It causes me more pain than any other activity.  I do feel bad for my kids though, because they never really understood why I had to refuse them when it came to driving them here and there.  The weather is much dryer today so I am hopeful I will begin to feel better. I may never be completely healed and that is something I will just have to accept. I am just grateful for all the things I am able to do now that I have not been able to do in almost 20 years!

The Beginning of the End?

Well it's been a little while since my last post.  Life has been crazy. Probably the busiest summer I have ever had in my life.  Getting ready to bring my son to Chicago to start college.  Bitter-sweet. Well, actually more bitter!  I am NOT liking this stage of life right now!  The hustle and bustle of the summer has set me back just a bit. Of course slipping in my bathroom and landing in a half split hasn't helped either.  A lot of major stressors have been thrown at me lately and I do believe that when one is bothered mentally or emotionally, then it effects the physical body too.  So, I am going to give myself a  pass here and just wait it out.  Still going to PT and that helps tremendously.  I am starting to feel the difference in my strength.  On the days I feel crappy, I just take it easy and try to free up my calendar. I still need the pain medicine more than I'd like, but I need to be patient about that too.  Being anxious never helps any situation.  I started walking a few times a week. It's not painful anymore. That is definitely a milestone for me. Some of the fatigue came back, but I have to believe that it's related to the stress.
I also had some lower back pain which kind of freaked me out. Come to find out, it's a scar tissue build up. So my PT is squishing and squashing it until it breaks up. Such Bliss!  Well, it is a necessary evil. It has to be dealt with because it has the capacity to torture for life..
Anyway, I want to lose weight now. Not easy when you cant exercise and you LOVE food.  Especially good food. I just don't want to put all the effort into it. It's too much work and I always eventually gain it back.  I KNOW that is a bad attitude so I think I will need to start a weight loss Blog.  I have a year to take off the weight. My daughter will be married next September and I refuse to look like a chubby, dowdy Mother-of-the-Bride! Not that I am the center of attention, but those pictures will be FOREVER!
Until my next BLOG...........................

Imagine...a license to inflict pain.

It's been 2 months since the surgery.  I am becoming more positive about my outcome. I had some immediate results which have continued. For those of you who are contemplating the surgery, it was well worth it. My bladder problem and the lower back pain disappeared and never came back. I'm not going to lie to you.  Physical Therapy is hard work and painful.  At first I felt discouraged because everything would hurt worse for a couple of days after the brutal "workout". I would need to take pain medication for it, which bummed me out. Then when i was starting to feel better, I would have another appointment and then it would be a repeat.  My body told me to avoid the PT but my mind knew that was NOT the right choice. In fact, working through the pain is the best thing to do. I see glimpses of hope.  Last week I was able to walk up an entire flight of stairs without stopping. It didn't last more than that day, BUT it was one day more than i had before.  My body is so de-conditioned and weak.  But I look back 12 years ago and I was not even able to pick up a half-filled tea pot without using two hands.  I have come a long way. They may be small steps, but at least they are traveling in the right direction. The chronic fatigue is almost completely gone! That is a HUGE milestone. I almost don't know what to do with the extra time...NOT!  My Physical Therapist is a doll.  She works me hard, but somehow I trust her. Maybe because she is able to point out my little accomplishments. My back muscles are in constant spasm and the muscle relaxers no longer work. But I know if I stay focused and continue with my strength building exercises, the muscles will eventually relax. That is something I look forward to.  I suspect that the blogs will become shorter in length and a bit more spread out.  Soon I will be busy sending my son off to college and planning my daughters wedding. LOTS of changes in store for this middle-aged woman!

Do I seem depressed to you?

I don't mean to get ahead of myself here, but I think I need to clarify something. At my son's graduation party my youngest brother said he was somewhat concerned about me.  I looked at him with my head cocked to the side. I knew he wasn't talking about my recent surgery. He told me that he reads my blog and that he was worried that I might be depressed. He said the blogs appear negative. I was actually surprised by his comment. I am rarely depressed. I felt bad that I was coming across that way. So, I just wanted to make things clear. This blog is about suffering.  It is meant for the reader to experience my inner most thoughts and feelings.  For them to connect and see my humanity. Let me just say that I am not morbid, nor do I ruminate on my condition. I am very optimistic about what my outcome will be. Otherwise, I would never have even thought about writing this for the world to see.  I believe in happy endings, even if the happiness is a mere state of mind.  I love my life. I always have. Does it have miserable potholes? Yup, and some are pretty deep and damaging. But I know I am no different than anyone else. We all have a story. I just felt it was time to share mine.

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb,Dumb......DUUUUUUUUUUUUMB

I'm 4 weeks post op. I awoke feeling myself for the first time! Had a cup of coffee with my dad and uncle (they were visiting) and my hubby.. Off they went. I emptied the dishwasher. I still felt ok. I put the pot roast in the crock pot. Still ok. Bent down to pick up a box containing a shower gift, and oh NO! I felt the pull from the base of my spine all the way up to my neck! Stupid me! I hobbled back up stairs and got in bed. I tried holding off on the pain medication. I got in a hot shower figuring it would help relax my tightened muscles. It did for a little bit. But then the pain came back. I broke a vicodin in half and swallowed it with some soda. Got through the rest of the day and evening with minimal pain. As my muscles started to tense up again, I decided to have a half a glass of wine. It did the trick and the pain subsided for a couple of hours. Night time came and my spine started to scream and I mean loud! It was like someone was squeezing my spinal cord. The pain shot to my left shoulder and down the back of my left leg. I really hope I didn't screw something up inside. I pushed myself too hard. Why do I do that? When will I learn? But I felt so incredibly good this morning and now I feel worse than I felt two weeks ago. I took another vicodin. Nothing! It didn't even touch the pain. I waited for over an hour with no relief. So, I took a muscle relaxer. Nothing! Pain can drive you out of your mind. Now I feel nervous thinking I pulled something or did some damage. For a moment I ask "why do I ALWAYS have to physically suffer"? I pull my thoughts together and talk myself out of feeling sorry for myself. That's life! It's as simple as that. Everyone suffers. It's part of life. Unfortunately, sometimes that suffering dominates our thoughts and lives. I won't let it. Negativity always makes me feel worse. I wrestle a little bit to stay positive and hope that tomorrow will bring me some relief. I write this post, tuck myself in bed and turn off the light. I hope I can sleep through the sharp, stabbing pains and I pray that morning comes quickly.

The Color of Frustration

Please note: This next blog was written right in the midst of my first meltdown.......

I am two weeks post op from my spinal surgery. I am taking less medication and getting around much better. My family sees the improvement but misinterprets it. Some of this is my fault because I made the decision not to complain as much. Every bit of my energy is spent on getting up and making myself a cup of tea, or sandwich or taking a shower. I can't sit longer than a half hour. My body wants to lay down. I am beginning to HATE my bed! I spend most of the day and night there. My family does not see what I am feeling. They are busy with their own lives and schedules. But my anger builds every time someone walks in my room and asks me to do something for them! Can't they see that I just had major surgery two weeks ago? It's my fault. I am pretending to be okay so that they can feel good and not worry or get anxious. But it's backfiring. I am fighting myself again. I do not want to let my anger dominate. So I let go just a little bit and allow one tear to well up. My instinct's fight it, but I know I should just let it out and get it over with! Why is it so hard for me to cry? I think because I always viewed it as a sign of weakness. Maybe it's pride. How ridiculous. I know it's God's gift of release. Regardless, it's still not comfortable for me. I feel like a baby. So I hold it in and get more angry. Please God help me. I feel crappy and I'm hating everyone. Once again I battle with the balance of true need and selfishness. My never ending struggle. Either help me out or leave me alone! I say it, but do I really mean it?