April 11, 2011

A Tea Party with the Devil.

This blog gets a lot more personal and goes deeper into my psyche.
I was 31 yrs old and my husband and I were discussing whether to have a third child or not. However, the decision was made for us because I was already pregnant and didn't know it. Like clock work the vomiting began in the 4th week. I had already been through two difficult pregnancies, but for some strange reason this one felt different. I couldn't keep anything down. I had the morning ritual timed perfectly. I would eat a bowl of CoCo Puffs, rest on the couch for about twenty minutes or so, walk upstairs to my bathroom, tie my long hair in a ponytail then open the toilet seat and throw up. I purposely chose to eat the coco puffs because they didn't taste bad coming back up. The nausea and vomiting began to eat away at my stomach. My gut burned with agonizing pain. I could no longer consume any substantial food. I would constantly vomit bile which did a number on my stomach and esophagus. My husband would leave a bottle of Gatorade and some dry toast or instant mashed potatoes (the only foods i could tolerate) by my bedside before he left for work. I have no recollection as to where my kids were or who was taking care of them. I laid in that bed in agony. Sometimes I would fall asleep on the cold marble floor of my bathroom after throwing up stomach acid. I was just too weak to crawl back to bed. Most every day and night were spent on my couch or bed. I became so frail and dehydrated that I would either be hospitalized or need IV therapy at home. My viens collapsed constantly from the lack of fluids. My drained body gave way to a very weakened mind. To anyone who knows me, they know me as a person full of life and positivity. That person disappeared. I had never known what it was like to be depressed before. I had heard and read about people with severe depression but could in no way comprehend it. I may have even been a little bit judgmental about people wanting to take their own lives. I guess I looked at them as selfish. All that changed , because now "that person" was me! The agony went on month after month. I spent most of my time with my head in a toilet bowl. I felt like my stomach lining was being eaten. My body was sapped of all energy and any nutrients I had stored were being sucked by the growing baby inside me. My mind was starting to become affected. I was laying in my bed praying that God would take my life. How could I think such thoughts and truly mean them? I thought "I am a Christian and life is a precious gift". I didn't care. I just wanted the suffering to end. My mind began to come up with all kinds of scenarios. I thought that my husband was young enough and could find someone who would love and raise my children. I rationalized that everything would work out. I just wanted it to end. I would never have taken my own life, but from that day on I had a very clear understanding for those who had. I felt as if the devil himself was sitting on the edge of my bed and I was having a cup of tea with him! Very soon after, I was hospitalized for severe dehydration. My doctor said I was one in a thousand cases that get this sick. But he could not offer any real explanation. I knew this was not normal. One of the nurses told me to make an appointment with a GI doctor when I was discharged. I was about 7 or 8 months pregnant when I went to visit Dr Coli. He was a peculiar gentleman but brilliant. He asked me lots of questions and appeared quite intrigued with having a pregnant patient. There were no tests that he could safely perform so he had to go on symptomology. He told me that he felt I had an ulcer. He put me on some old fashion medication that the pharmacist had to hand mix and within
3 days I was eating! But I noticed as I grew in size, I continued to become even more weak. I had trouble walking more than ten steps without huffing and puffing. I could not lift my arms over my head to wash my own hair and the fatigue kept me in bed despite the fact that I could at least eat something as long as I downed my medication. What in the world was wrong with me? NOBODY could give me any explanation. I had baby Caroline right on time and as soon as she was out, I felt as if a wilting flower finally got some water. But to my dismay, that was VERY short lived.