May 2, 2011

Frustration & Failure

My husband came to pick me up at the rehab hospital. I thanked all the wonderful people who helped me each day and out I went. It was a strange but wonderful feeling to be out in the open air. The car ride home was brutal. My head hurt with every bump and Rhode Island pothole.  I got home, looked around and went straight to bed. Sleeping flat was torture! We called and got a hospital bed delivered the very next day. I was still leaking spinal fluid and needed to lay at a 30 degree angle for at least another month. Morning came. It was a nice warm October day. My daughter Victoria was in fifth grade and my son Luc was in second. They each grabbed hold of an arm and took me for a short walk up my street. It must have been scary for them to see their mom so weak and unstable. I was 35 and looked like I was 80. I know they were young, but it must have been so difficult for them. God only knows what was going on in their inexperienced little minds. I tried faking that I was ok, but they weren't buying it. The next year was spent mostly trying to get my head and neck movements back. It took about another year or so of physical therapy. Again, my life revolved around doctors appointments, medications and health related issues. I was just so sick of it all! I kept going to PT and I am glad I persevered. I regained almost full range of motion although I will never be able to look up or comfortably get my hair washed at the Salon.  Big deal! I slowly made progress but it took it's toll on my family. My kids needed a mom to be just like all the other moms at school. I simply couldn't be that person to them no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't drive my kids to the mall or to their friend's houses. They would always have to scrounge for rides. It broke my heart, but I just couldn't do it. I would miss soccer games and special events at school. All three of my kids spent a lot of time at my mom and dad's house. I did the best I could. It just didnt seem good enough. I would try to arrange for weekends in New Hampshire with our family or friends. I made sure they had lots of play time with their friends from church or school. But this was never consistent. EVERYTHING revolved around how mom was feeling. The guilt was overwhelming and would easily turn to anger. I was always frustrated. My spirit was so willing but my flesh was so weak. I was overwhelmed with all of their needs and did not know how to meet them. I loved them with all of my heart and tried my best, God knows, but I felt like a failure. Frustration ruled my life and I had absolutely no control. My weak and needy body controlled me and everyone else that I loved. It just didn't feel fair. I felt cheated and felt I cheated my family too.