June 16, 2011

The Color of Frustration

Please note: This next blog was written right in the midst of my first meltdown.......

I am two weeks post op from my spinal surgery. I am taking less medication and getting around much better. My family sees the improvement but misinterprets it. Some of this is my fault because I made the decision not to complain as much. Every bit of my energy is spent on getting up and making myself a cup of tea, or sandwich or taking a shower. I can't sit longer than a half hour. My body wants to lay down. I am beginning to HATE my bed! I spend most of the day and night there. My family does not see what I am feeling. They are busy with their own lives and schedules. But my anger builds every time someone walks in my room and asks me to do something for them! Can't they see that I just had major surgery two weeks ago? It's my fault. I am pretending to be okay so that they can feel good and not worry or get anxious. But it's backfiring. I am fighting myself again. I do not want to let my anger dominate. So I let go just a little bit and allow one tear to well up. My instinct's fight it, but I know I should just let it out and get it over with! Why is it so hard for me to cry? I think because I always viewed it as a sign of weakness. Maybe it's pride. How ridiculous. I know it's God's gift of release. Regardless, it's still not comfortable for me. I feel like a baby. So I hold it in and get more angry. Please God help me. I feel crappy and I'm hating everyone. Once again I battle with the balance of true need and selfishness. My never ending struggle. Either help me out or leave me alone! I say it, but do I really mean it?