April 24, 2011

The Battle Within

When you have a chronic illness, pain or besetting struggle you can't help but sometimes feel like you are all alone.  At times people may be there for you or even offer a helping hand but somehow you still feel so disconnected. The old saying that "isolation is the devil's playground" is oh so true. If you can see it coming, then run for your life. It 's so odd how you can have 10 people around you and yet still feel strangely detached . Alone in your thoughts, you suffer in silence.  But is it really all that silent? With me, my defense mechanism is to lash out in anger.  I despise it!. There seems to always be this underlying flame in my belly that can be ignited within seconds. It's years upon years of hurts, disappointments and dashed dreams. These emotions stay hidden behind the door of my subconscious, but can easily surface without my permission.  Sometimes an explosion seems to come out of thin air and ultimately my hurts transfer to others, leaving them wounded and war-torn.  How do we stop this cycle? That is the million dollar question. Why do hurt people, hurt people? It's ultimately the result of the human condition. A hard battle to fight.  A seemingly impossible war to win.  Where is the balance between feeling the intense need to be loved and cared for, and being self-centered and defensive? This is the emotional conflict that can result from a life long battle with pain and suffering.

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