May 9, 2011
Can someone just bring me out to the shed and shoot me?
Over then next four years, I saw more doctors and developed more health problems. I actually have to keep a list in my purse of all the procedures, surgeries, medications, and allergies that I have had. The list is so long, and I couldn't remember them if I tried. I have had and still have all kinds of gastrointestinal problems. I was hospitalized for internal bleeding. They put me on antibiotics and did a colonoscopy. It was inconclusive. Six months later they removed a polyp. A year after that, I was rushed to the hospital from my Primary Doctors office with Atrial Fibrillation. My heart was pounding at 150 beats per minute for 3 days and my blood pressure was 168/130. Oh joy, more medication! Then less than a year later, I had to have my esophagus dilated because it was constricted and spasming. When would this insanity end? How many things could possibly be wrong with just one body? I hated the fact that my entire life revolved around my health, or better put lack of it. I was ALWAYS sick with something. I was a lemon! My poor husband married a lemon! I don't know the pain he suffered through all of this because I only felt my own pain. Every second of my life was distracted with thoughts of myself. It seemed impossible to pull away. It dominated my every moment and I tried everything I could to get better. But I never got better, I just got worse and my list of diseases and ailments got longer and longer. I would have periodic meltdowns and would call my best friend from childhood. We have always been each others crutch and strength. She suffers with MS and understands everything I feel. And vice versa. We cry to each other and pray for one another. She has gotten me through many many difficult times during my journey and I am forever grateful. I honestly do not know what I would have done without her all these years. Everyone needs someone that can sympathize. Some people talk to strangers, or attend support groups. I never needed that because I had my friend. She never judged me nor scolded me when I was feeling selfish. She gave me just what I needed. Just someone to understand. That's all I ever really needed. Just someone to understand.