April 2, 2011

In the Beginning.........

I feel in order for you to fully understand where I am coming from, I will need to start at the very beginning. Now although many of you, if not most will not be able to relate to my story, I know you will be able to get something out of it. Even if you do not have a physical infirmity, you may have an emotional or psychological one. Our stories may be different, but many of the hurts, frustrations, and feelings of hopelessness may be the same. So, my prayer is that we will all be able to move on and work through those strongholds that want to define and own us.

I am now told it all started when I was in my first trimester of life. An unknown birth defect was forming in my brain and spine......but no one knew. I was 6 lbs 4 oz and looked to be a very healthy baby. Little did I know that "healthy look" would become my life long curse.
At the age of 10, I began to develop headaches. Many dismissed it, because 10 yr olds just didn't get headaches. Unlike the other kids my age, I took naps after school instead of joining the other girls to play jump rope or ride my bike. I lived a fairly normal life. I had lots of friends, went roller skating and took dance classes. Headaches and fatigue became part of who I was and I lived with it. The doctors appointments were numerous. But the tests were always negative. So most family members chalked it up to me having tired blood,(a lazy bone)or some anxiety disorder. But I knew better.
By the age of 16, my headaches were constant. I hardly remember a day without them. I lived on dimetapp, aspirin and sudafed. My poor Mother suffered in silence worried that her only daughter might have a brain tumor. I missed so much school but through an act of God, my grades were good enough and I was able to graduate on time. I slept any chance I could. Mostly between my job at Woolworths and school. Now it was time for college. To this day I have no idea how I got through Nursing School, but I did and did pretty well. I lived on coffee and aspirin. When you live with chronic pain, you tend to learn to live with it. The fact of the matter was, I didn't know what it was like to live without it!
When life hands you a problem what do you do with it? What can you do with it? I just learned to survive through each and everyday. As much as it wore me down and kept me from doing things, it taught me how to prioritize my life. I could only do so much and when the little energy that I did have ran out, I would crash. My body had full control and there was NOTHING I could do to alter that. This unknown problem had the reigns of my life....


  1. I Wept through this entire reading, reliving Every moment of your childhood and young life. Not knowing at the time what was wrong,but knowing something was Not Right. I Never thought that you were a lazy bone,for I Knew that there had to be a reason why you were ALWAYS wanting to sleep. While writing this I am back in time on Boston St. picturing EVERYTHING. I am walking upstairs to your bedroom. It has been a 1/2 hr. since you came home from school and there you are, sleeping on the bed. Just thinking and picturing it makes me cry :( It HURT to see you that way. It Still does! A Mother doesn't want to see her children sick or suffering. I don't know how you functioned as well as you did. It had to be The GRACE of GOD.

  2. Mom, I too am sorry for the silent suffering you endured as my mother. Love u.

  3. awwww i love both of you girls!!!! xo