I got married 5 days after graduating from Nursing School to Michael, my jr high and high school sweetheart. I was 22 and he was 23. We rushed home after just 3 days on our honeymoon. Michael's dad suddenly and without warning died at the age of 53 from a massive heart attack. We were devastated. To have such incredible happiness and such intense sadness in one week was almost surreal. Everything seemed to change in a moments time. The impact was life altering.
We soon bought our first home. A three story tenement house that needed six months of TLC before we could even move in. It was a lot of work, but we felt such accomplishment. Very soon after the rehab, I mysteriously "threw my back out". I could't move for one week. I went to see an orthopedic who took an x-Ray and a CT Scan. It showed 3 ruptured discs! How could this be? I was only 23 years old and never had an injury. The Doc diagnosed me with Ruptured Disc Syndrome. A syndrome because there was no known reason for it. I thought "oh great, another mystery disease"! I continued with the headaches and fatigue, and then added intermittent back pain to the mix. I couldn't pick up anything heavy which was hard because I was working as an R.N. I was as careful as I could be. But still had an occasional flare-up. I soon got pregnant with our first child at the age of 24. The pregnancy was tough, with vomiting throughout the day and extreme back pain as I began to grow in girth. Tylenol just didn't cut it, but that was all I could take. So, I had no choice other than to deal with it until my Victoria was born.
I was unable to have an epidural because the ruptured discs where a problem. So, I had 12 hours of labor and a natural child birth made miserable by an IV of Pitocin(a medication that makes you cramp harder to speed up the labor). Never again would I let anyone put an IV of anything into my veins during a delivery! Anyway, I gave birth to a perfect but colicy baby girl. One I could not hold while standing. The pain in my back did not allow me to lift her as she grew. My mom would come over daily to help me, especially while doing errands. We had to buy our first of many vans so I wouldn't have to bend down in a car. I learned to adapt to my limitations and was blessed to have the help needed. One kid down. Two to go.
April 2, 2011
In the Beginning.........
I feel in order for you to fully understand where I am coming from, I will need to start at the very beginning. Now although many of you, if not most will not be able to relate to my story, I know you will be able to get something out of it. Even if you do not have a physical infirmity, you may have an emotional or psychological one. Our stories may be different, but many of the hurts, frustrations, and feelings of hopelessness may be the same. So, my prayer is that we will all be able to move on and work through those strongholds that want to define and own us.
I am now told it all started when I was in my first trimester of life. An unknown birth defect was forming in my brain and spine......but no one knew. I was 6 lbs 4 oz and looked to be a very healthy baby. Little did I know that "healthy look" would become my life long curse.
At the age of 10, I began to develop headaches. Many dismissed it, because 10 yr olds just didn't get headaches. Unlike the other kids my age, I took naps after school instead of joining the other girls to play jump rope or ride my bike. I lived a fairly normal life. I had lots of friends, went roller skating and took dance classes. Headaches and fatigue became part of who I was and I lived with it. The doctors appointments were numerous. But the tests were always negative. So most family members chalked it up to me having tired blood,(a lazy bone)or some anxiety disorder. But I knew better.
By the age of 16, my headaches were constant. I hardly remember a day without them. I lived on dimetapp, aspirin and sudafed. My poor Mother suffered in silence worried that her only daughter might have a brain tumor. I missed so much school but through an act of God, my grades were good enough and I was able to graduate on time. I slept any chance I could. Mostly between my job at Woolworths and school. Now it was time for college. To this day I have no idea how I got through Nursing School, but I did and did pretty well. I lived on coffee and aspirin. When you live with chronic pain, you tend to learn to live with it. The fact of the matter was, I didn't know what it was like to live without it!
When life hands you a problem what do you do with it? What can you do with it? I just learned to survive through each and everyday. As much as it wore me down and kept me from doing things, it taught me how to prioritize my life. I could only do so much and when the little energy that I did have ran out, I would crash. My body had full control and there was NOTHING I could do to alter that. This unknown problem had the reigns of my life....
I am now told it all started when I was in my first trimester of life. An unknown birth defect was forming in my brain and spine......but no one knew. I was 6 lbs 4 oz and looked to be a very healthy baby. Little did I know that "healthy look" would become my life long curse.
At the age of 10, I began to develop headaches. Many dismissed it, because 10 yr olds just didn't get headaches. Unlike the other kids my age, I took naps after school instead of joining the other girls to play jump rope or ride my bike. I lived a fairly normal life. I had lots of friends, went roller skating and took dance classes. Headaches and fatigue became part of who I was and I lived with it. The doctors appointments were numerous. But the tests were always negative. So most family members chalked it up to me having tired blood,(a lazy bone)or some anxiety disorder. But I knew better.
By the age of 16, my headaches were constant. I hardly remember a day without them. I lived on dimetapp, aspirin and sudafed. My poor Mother suffered in silence worried that her only daughter might have a brain tumor. I missed so much school but through an act of God, my grades were good enough and I was able to graduate on time. I slept any chance I could. Mostly between my job at Woolworths and school. Now it was time for college. To this day I have no idea how I got through Nursing School, but I did and did pretty well. I lived on coffee and aspirin. When you live with chronic pain, you tend to learn to live with it. The fact of the matter was, I didn't know what it was like to live without it!
When life hands you a problem what do you do with it? What can you do with it? I just learned to survive through each and everyday. As much as it wore me down and kept me from doing things, it taught me how to prioritize my life. I could only do so much and when the little energy that I did have ran out, I would crash. My body had full control and there was NOTHING I could do to alter that. This unknown problem had the reigns of my life....
April 1, 2011
The Cross We Bear
April 2,2011
Nobody truly knows what goes on inside each and everyone of us but us. We all have a besetting struggle. Sometimes we may look at someone and think "Boy, that person seems to have it made". But the reality is that they too suffer with something. Sometimes our troubles are brought on by bad decisions. Sometimes they just appear out of nowhere. Some may feel they deserve them, while others feel cheated. Either way, we all live with something. Right now I am sitting in bed with either a brewing bronchial infection or some random virus. I am having major surgery in less than 3 weeks and I just can't afford to be sick now, but I am. I can't control it. And that is the story of my life. I need to stop and take a pain pill.......
Ok, I'm back. I thought about writing down my story so many times but just didn't have the energy to do it. You see, I look so healthy on the outside, but what you can't see with the naked eye is simply a mess! My hope is that in sharing my story, I will somehow help others to see that although they may feel all alone in their suffering, we are all traveling the same road in life regardless of the potholes, bumps and detours.
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